today, I am filled with a certain newness, but it is not like unexpected newness that comes and uproots you ubruptly from your comfortability. This feels like the kind of newness that I have been waiting for all of my life. Yes, ALL of my life.
It is no secret that my life has been plagued by the theme of love, or loss for that matter as I came to realise that the two could not exist without the other, and where one seemed fleeting and elusive, the other just always seemed prolonged and victorious. And this is what brang me the most pain in life. This is what brang me fear, anxiety, depression, and misery – it was polarity. Believing that things had to be polar opposites, and that loss meant a lack of love, when in reality, the two need one another to co-exist.
We spoke for the first time in about four months yesterday, and I am so proud of myself. Whereas before, I would have been tempted to bombard you with my emotions, and overwhelming love, and how your absence crippled me and spun me into depression, yesterday I gave myself the courage and the strength to keep my messages to you fairly short and meaningful. You confirmed that you had also undergone a dark night of the soul, (in your own ways), but also confirmed to me that you would get through it, and that was all that I needed to know.
Wow, look at me, loving without attachment and anxiety, who would have thought it? And you taught me that. You taught me that true love never dies, and I can live my life, and I can make it meaningful, and fruitful, and none of that takes or gives to the love that I have. The love that I have inside of me.
I am filled with this new overwhelming happiness, and appreciation of self, and I don’t know what to do with it all. I feel as if a whole new world is beckoning me, beckoning the two of us, and whether we are In constant contact or not, you will grow as I grow, expand as I do, and be filled with the same glee as me.
This super moon was very heavy on me. I sat alone in a bath tub full of near scolding water and I cried my eyes out. I cried over the death of my best friend much earlier this year, I cried over not feeling good enough, and I cried over past pains, and then I let the water from the tap, and from my tears, wash them away. And in that moment, I believe that I knew what it meant to be baptised. To be renewed.