Today, is another one of those days that I wonder, why would the divine place such an amazing, unimaginable duo together, only to have them split apart at a later date. I wonder, what could all of this possibly mean? Why would my love forsake me, after he too experienced the same love parralell to none. I was with him, there. I saw, the love that resided in his eyes every time that we caught one another in a glance. I was there, and I felt, every beat of the heart as it melted into mine. I felt the melodic tones, and vibrations in his voice, as it softened, and lowered, just for me. I was there, when the look of love, and loss, and concern, spread all over his face. And now I am here, pondering all of the things that were stolen from me, in such amazing grace.
I have dedicated my life to spirituality. It is all that I do, think and see, and I am so very thankful, do not get me wrong. Because without it? I would have given up a long time ago. I would probably not be here now, as the thought of taking my own life is something that I have toyed with, repeatedly.
But then, spirituality gave me a way out, or rather, a way in. A way in to see and explore myself in new ways, that I had never looked at myself before. And it beckoned me to take a closer look into the inner workings of the world, and into the minds of others, also bringing me great release from my pain.
So now I find myself wondering how, and why, the same thing that I turned to for salvation, is the very same thing that has brought me so much pain – the loss of my twin.
I know that loss brings gain, and I hear my heart tell myself all of the time, that this is the root to healing, and that these are only growing pains, but my, how they do pain.
How could I meet my perfect description of love? Everything that I have ever wanted, honoured, only to have him stripped ever so cruelly, and quickly from me, in the same ways that all of the others have fallen before.
I ask for guidance, and the inner strength that lays within me to reign supreme, and maybe I ask for the ability to let go. Because I have stretched my little heart into feeling, and it has felt just about everything that it can endure, over these past faithful years, and more so in these few months.
I have spent this entire year confronting and facing my demons. Searching tirelessly for new ways to love me, to see me in newness, and to heal me, yet it seems, still a seed of sadness remains planted within me.
And I know that I said that I would be strong for you, but my heart is calling, calling for you. And for the life of me, I do not know why you do not answer.