All of my life, something was ‘wrong’ with me.

  
“All of my life, something was, ‘wrong with me’.. An obsession with men who seemed interested only for a short while, and then once they had the full extent of my love, they would withdraw, and slowly want less, and less to do with me.
I have spent the ‘best’ years of my life heart broken, pining over those who evidently do not love me, and wondering why they did not..
I have never been the girl who is able to get over love loss in a few months or so, I will carry the sentiments of relationships with me, years after they have dissolved. and can you blame me? Such an empath thing to do!
My heart has eternally been broken, in-fact, there are only ever small window opportunities when it has not been broken. When I have successfully endured a period of healing, or, just when I have met somebody, ‘new’, just before they too follow the same root.
Agony, was the name of the game.
Because when I fall in love, I fall hard, and I take the entire universe with me. I fall head over heels, and I rarely leave any parts of my self untouched. Some may say that I am possessed by love, and I think that I am. Because there is no other way to describe it.
It becomes me, and I become it. And I become fixated on a hurdle of serotonin, and dopamine, and oxytocin, and suddenly I cannot breathe..
And perhaps, neither can they.
My ex told me once that I was faulty, that I would push people away, and then pretend that they had hurt me.
I didn’t know what he meant..
But anyway, he was, ‘faulty’ too. A clinical sociopath – so who’s to say, who was right, and who was wrong?
All I know is, I have been so hurt, so bruised, and so dragged through the mud. And my heart is wearier than it has ever been. I do not know if I can go on being the lover that I am.
I am the place where love goes to die..
And all I want is a vacation from myself.
I whisper in the night, ‘why am I not good enough? For him? Him? And him too?’”

Cinderella Anneh-bu – (via spiritualpoet) 

  
© 2016
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3 thoughts on “All of my life, something was ‘wrong’ with me.

  1. This is an amazing post… Thank you for this. Check out my page if you’d like. My mission is do address the silent epidemic of self harm and depression. Thanks!

    Absolutely beautiful

  2. You are perfect as you are. I feel intuitively that this happens because you carry the divine AWAKENED feminine and not every woman does…..you are love, incarnate….love is supposed to possess people….we are supposed to become love…its why we are here………but this scares the shit out of the vast majority of men…..like abused animals who just cannt deal with love because they are so so so soooo broken…….including the sociopaths that get attracted to us because subconsciously they need what we have the MOST….yet are also the least capable of like, actually receiving it…there is nothing wrong w u…its this broken love starved world……ur ability to BE love is why you can change the world and are the healer and star that you are…..
    love to you ❤

    1. I needed this message more than anything in this hemisphere, thank you so very much! And you summed it up in the most brilliant of ways! For so long, I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.. Embodying divine feminine energy is definitely not an easy ride.. And hasn’t been easy at all where I live to cultivate! But as they say, this journey is only for the brave, MUCH love to you!! Xxx

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