[indeed this article is based on generalisation of life situations, and intended hyperbole. There are plenty of cases in which emotionally open men find receptive partners].
Before I begin this article, I would just like to take the time to alert you to the existence of contemporary, New York based artist – Kehinde Wiley. He uses his creative outlook to produce counter imagery to the negative and degrading stereotypes that we usually view, and associate with black men. His art features a more colourful approach, to the multi dimensional world that exists within black male culture, in attempts to raise awareness to the emotional, mental, and social diversity of the group. I feel that his work is extremely important at this time, when we are welcoming back the divine feminine and seeing the ways in which patriarchal values have suppressed us all, regardless of our gender association.
One of the problems within the black community, is, and has been hyper – hyper masculinity, an exaggeration of the already chemically imbalanced term. This is for many reasons – hyper masculinity is typically born when the feminine (associated with emotional fluidity, intuition, and creative expression), has been denied. Now, feminine energy exists within us all, (initially), and is healthy for our overall balance and well being – even in men!
After years of slavery consciousness, and colonisation consciousness, many black men have been taught, (usually by their fathers), that the ideal perception of a man is one who shows as little emotion as possible, instead show casing physical strengths. During times of racial oppression, such as these, the suppression of all emotion, and all sympathy was necessary to continue the work of exploitation.
The denial of emotion that was inherited through trauma consciousness, must cease being passed onto generational lines, and must be seen for the poison that it is.
This has also been a byproduct of inner city crime, or as it is commonly referred, ‘black on black’, the belief that it is the establishment, and assertion of male dominance, and aggression that grants one high status among society.
We need to move toward a space where we can understand the benefits of operating on a more balanced scale, allowing the young men of our society to express themselves in ways other than the methods that are propagated to them.
Please check out this artist on Twitter as his work is featured throughout this piece – @KehindeWileyart
Well, let us first view the interpretation of the ‘nice guy’. Anytime that a girl, or a group of girls are discussing the cliche nice guy, there seems to be a few recognisable traits that spring to mind.
Self uncertainty. A lot of the time you will find that the nice guy, is pretty much unsure of himself. Not only ‘nice’, but he tends to come accross as pretty nervous, and sloppy in his approach. It may appear as if women are more attracted to men who treat them badly, (and this holds truth in some cases – but I will get to that later), rather, it is that women are very attracted to men who know of their worth.
Whether it is boarderline cockiness, or over exertion, women seem to generally be very attracted to men who dominate their own energy, who are assertive within themselves, and comfortable within their being.
The problem with the ‘nice guy’, which actually isn’t even a problem at all, is that he is very much aware that he does not fit into the typical template of ‘manliness’. He may have also had experiences throughout his life that reinforce his belief that he is somehow unworthy. It begins as early as infancy, could be as simple as play ground bullying, or words echoed by men around him, he will have a sense of discomfort, and insecurity within his own nature.
Women who do not love themselves, are only interested in men who do not love them.
And vice versa –
Women who are insecure, will seek belief, unconsciously within their insecure thoughts, by attracting, and being attracted to men who will also assert the idea that they are not good enough, and that they are unlovable. Trust me, I speak from experience. This is how the classical empath and sociopath (narcissist), relationships continue to be born.
Unconsciously, we all seek confirmation of our thoughts, and our beliefs, whether they are negative or not – we tend to attract validation of them.
This is why you will find many women making statements such as, ‘all men are the same’. The very belief in such a concept, will cause this to be true for her, and she will collect data from women around her to support this theory.
So what happens when the good guy comes along, when he is promising affection, reciprocation, and genuineness, all at the same time?
Why, she is flabbergasted. Disregardful, uninterested, and usually quite disrespectful. She has already made her mind up about the way in which she believes men to be. Subconsciously, she may also have had a bruised relationship with her father, (perhaps physically, or emotionally distant), and will seek the men who will allow her to continuously play out this experience in her life, as her unresolved wound attempts to make sense, and make peace with it.
Remember, I said that this works both ways.
Let’s focus once again on this quote on quote nice guy.. Usually, quite uncertain in himself also, he unconsciously seeks out women who will, and do shut him down. There are plenty of grown, and nature women who are practically dying for a man who is sensitive, compassionate, and attentive, but for some reason, this nice guy, just keeps going after the very women who shut him down, and shut him out. Thus, he too perpetuates the belief that he is not good enough, that he is unworthy.
Well, honestly? Not very much at all.. He is usually inconsistent in his affections, disregardful, and disrespectful of the woman that he is with. But for some reason, that just keeps the ladies coming. It is the case of ‘baby boy syndrome’. This type of man gives women who suffer low self esteem a sense of inportance. They happily assume the role of his care giver, feeling that they can change him, and nurture him, and in doing so will finally gain validation and the male acceptance that they are so desperately seeking.
This is a fool’s game. I love you women, so I will tell it to you straight. This type of man will never change under your supervision. Whilst you aid his reluctance to enter mature manhood, he will continuously hold the belief that he can do as he likes, never taking full reaponsibility.
This miscommunication toward both sexes, causes the already emotionally fragile, ‘nice guy’ to feel shamed in his fluid emotions, and the expressions of such. He will repeat to himself the words that he learnt along the way, that his version of manhood, is not true manhood. He will believe that women truly only appreciate men who treat them badly, and he is very likely to begin emulating that same type of behaviour – feeling that his honesty, and sensitivities are frowned upon and misinterpreted in this society.
And the worst thing about this is? He probably will find more women this way. But these women too, will be masked behind their own destructive thought patterns, and he will miss out on the ‘good woman’, the nurturing woman, with whom he can fully be himself, and nurture his inner child, instead finding himself in a game of cat, and mouse, never fully allowing himself to surrender to her feminine entirety – in fears of becoming a ‘victim’ again.
What a vicious cycle that befalls on us. The women who have had their hearts misused by men, in order to protect themselves, will then go on to exploit, and degrade other men, (usually, the ‘nice guy’), who will in turn, become the kind of men who perpetuate this cycle of abuse.
On a side note, I would like to state that generally, the period of liking, ‘bad boys’ does subside as a woman matures, comes into her own being, finds love of self, and begins to appreciate what it truly means to be a man. To be a provider, a protector, and not an extension of her father complex. Many women after a series of bad trials, tend to settle with, ‘the nice guy’, well, at least the ones that are left. By this time, he is usually more self actualised, and has found acceptance within true core, separate from societal perception.
The idea that a man cannot be balanced, sensitive when he is in tune with the feminine, and masculine in the pursuit of his ambitions, is another product of polarity and duality within our world. The idea that you must be one, or the other, when in-fact, different situations call for different approaches.
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