We all want love. It is the one thing that keeps us all awake at night..Even if we do not know consciously, that it is love that we seek. The absence of love, is pain. So, before we are even old enough to recognise, we mould, and we merge ourselves in order to be receiving, and deserving of this kind of love.
I find that those who have come from abusive backgrounds, tend to carry the years of trauma, neglect, and abuse that sit on their shoulders with them throughout their lives, because their psyche cannot make understanding of the fact that they were denied something so vital, especially to such tender years of one’s life. Not only do we all want love, but we all NEED love.
So, what does that mean? Do we all NEED to be in a relationship? Do we all NEED a partnership? When the fruits of our parents love is no longer (or never was), significant enough, what does that mean for us in love? Are humans by nature destined to be coupled, consistently, and consecutively?
Well, my answer is..Somewhere in between no, and possibly. I do not believe that we always need to be in relationship with somebody, even as a highly sensitive, love infused empath. And actually, I believe that this theory that we, (especially women), must always be part of a partnership, is very damaging to our self worth, self love, and right to be autonomous in this world. Sure, relationships do shape you, in a major way, and you grow, and come to realise more about who you are from romantic relationships, but I also have found that you can lose yourself, to your own desire to be accounted for.
A relationship should not define who you are. Some marriages, and romantic connections do last ‘forever’, the duration of your life time, but about 50% of them, will go bust at one point, and what will you be left with then?
I am not saying that just because a relationship did not work out, means that it was useless, pointless, or a waste of time, because far from it actually – It is our disconnections with romance that cause us to really delve deeply within, and figure out more about who we are, and what we want from life. What I am saying is, you can not rely on a relationship to prove that you are worthy of love, worthy of appreciation, or worthy of recognition.
For a long time, as I ran away from myself, and ran into the arms of numerous other lovers, I thought that I was learning about love. I thought that I was learning how to love myself. My self love was dependent on the men that could love me, if they could. If they did, or showed me something reminiscent at least of love, I would conclude that this was because I was valuable somehow, and them recognising this in me, allowed me to also recognise this in myself. This is the classic story for so many insecure women, and people battling with their own self esteem. Like I said, we all want love. We all need love. And if we have been deprived of it, in anyway, we will set out to seek for it, and we will always set out to understand why it was not previously granted to us. This is the make up model of abusive relationships, and how dysfunction in love perpetuates itself.
Even when the abused are abused, or treated far less than they should ever be, it is their one single quest to understand why this is happening to them..Why this has been happening to them, that keeps them tied so tightly to this illusion of what it means to be loved.
We settle in love when we do not know who we are. We do not necessarily care who they recipient is, as long as there is somebody to project our love on to. This is NOT love. Especially not on our part, and this is what we need to realise, whilst we are still insecure, and uncertain of ourselves. We wonder why we love others, and they do not love us back? This is because, we do not love others..We only think that we do.
We want them to prove to us that we are worthy of love, so from the minute that the relationship is off the ground, it is not about, ‘us’, it is not about, ‘we’, it is not about ‘them’, it becomes, about you. It becomes selfish love. And there is nothing about love that can remotely be selfish.
It is such an interesting term and a concept love, isn’t it? The way that we throw it about in everyday ordinary life. Giving it so much power yet simultaneously so much triviality and sensationalism. But how many of us even know what it truly means? I sure do not..I know that it exists. But like all things mystical, spiritual, and not of a tangible frequency, it exists in feeling, in thought, in knowing, and not in proof, or logistics or measurements. This is what makes it so special. There is no seeing is believing.. There just is. And that is what is so frightening about it.
Most of us do not know how to love because we have never been taught how to love, but this does not stop us from trying anyway, so on we trod, with our hopeless idealisms, dreams for a better tomorrow, and stereotypical television depictions of what we should be doing..Ah, I adore humans, I love human kind.. We have not a clue, but we are so determined to..
Anyway, so on we trod, projecting our unmet issues, and unresolved family history/karma on to other unsuspecting souls, for the most part, even unbeknownst to us. So, we destroy a few hearts in the process, damage a few people on our journey, and near enough dent ourselves past the point of recognition, and for what? What does it all mean? What is it worth in the end? In the end, when you have to let go anyway?
It is worth, you. It is for, you. Love is the greatest teacher, the greatest lesson that you will ever know. And I will not be here today and tell you to be strong, to move on, to stop missing the ex’s who made such a huge impact on your entire being. Why, I have not. So why would I advise you to? If I were over all of them completely, if I had forgotten every single last trace of them, I promise you, I would not write the way that I do today..
They taught me, practically gave me my spirituality. Made it so that I needed no books to teach as I do now, all I need was a memory bank. If you are raw, bruised, and cut open over love, be this way.. I guess, in your own special, sordid way, it is your destiny. Not to be hurt, not to be abused. But to learn from the instances where you are hurt, and you are abused.
Let us hope, you will become so desensitised to the idea of being unlovable, that you will begin to heal. Because, there is only so much that a person can tell themselves that they are unworthy, before they grow sick of their own lies.
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