For those of us who have endured any type of deeply entrenched psychological, physical, emotional, or energetic trauma at some point in our lives, it is fair to say that we will always be ‘altered’ in some way. To be altered does not necessarily mean to remain faulty, as we are sometimes perceived as, as we battle with the after effects of trauma; depression, anxiety, insomnia, reclusiveness, in-expression, or otherwise.
To always be altered simply means that we will belong to a different category of people throughout our lives. A category of people who are perhaps more careful with their words, savour experiences a little longer, love a little harder, and bruise a little easier. But this should not always be looked at as an ailment. So, we are highly observant, so, we may be a little too highly observant, and we may actually make mountains out of mole hills sometimes for the way that we search so deeply into things.
Can it not be said that we are gifted with divine vision? The ability to pick the ordinary apart, and in it find something rather extraordinary? Well, truth be told, we are never exactly going to be normal, no matter how hard we try, no matter how many smiles we adorn, no matter how many normal people we can fool within a set time frame..
At the end of the day, once we return to our place of solitude, we will once again be these super sensitive souls, who hold on to our analytical, and intellectual ability as if our life depends on it. Likely, we have spent a lot of time alone, whether intentionally, or unintentionally, and we are rather attached to the way that things exist within our minds, and the perceptions that we hold about the way that the world exists.
This can be our ally, providing us with deep, introspective, philosophical, and highly perceptive insight into life’s greatest mysteries, but it can also render us too rigid, unwilling to accept new information that comes our way, or judging new situations, by old outcomes, and experiences.
I do not say that we cannot heal. However, I say that healing can be difficult unless we are willing to release some of the perceptions that we have locked and bolted tightly away within our minds. For instance, the perception that somebody will always hurt us, or that somebody is always trying to insult, offend or undermine us.
Sure, perhaps for a lot of our lives, whilst we have shrunk ourselves, and played the victim, indeed others have latched on to this and exploited our lack of self esteem, but things do not always have to be this way. Not everything that somebody says is somehow intended to bring you down, or disarm you in some way.
Learn to separate constructive criticism, and caring advice, from belittling, and manipulation. However, if you have a gut instinct, (and not just an ego instinct), go with it.
It has taken me a long time to arrive at a place where I can let go of some of my anger, suspicion, and hostility, and hear what others around me have to say, truly HEARING them, and not just listening to the bits and pieces that I am searching for. If i recognise within myself an insatiable spirit, that just wants to be right, or just wants to be wounded, I separate myself from the conversation, and the situation, and give myself some time to view things from all perspectives.
However, some people may say that because I can still be triggered in old ways, I have not fully healed. And is this true?
Well, yes, and no..
In actual fact, I conceive that I have healed because I have a fully developed understanding, and acknowledgment of my shadow self – the part of myself that craves attachment to pain, and drama.. I am able to recognise almost instantaneously when I am acting from a place of the shadow, and pull myself back from this, and approach things from a different angle, or, if worst comes to worst, I am not afraid of damage control – being open, and honest about where I went wrong, and expressing my apologies. It is important to be honest when we make mistakes, or express moods, and outbursts that can be energetically draining to others.
However, I view healing as something of a journey, rather than a destination, as I am constantly learning, unlearning, relearning, programming, and de programming parts of myself. Every day that passes me by, I learn more about myself. Honestly, especially within the past few days, I almost feel as if everyday is a quickening, a chance for redemption, and sweet revelation, and it is.
You cannot run away from the path of healing. Even when you claim to be fully healed, you will learn next week of something that still triggers you, of something that you have not yet fully dealt with, of something that you have carried through your childhood memories with you. The fallacy of healing is that it happens all at once, because the truth is, it does not.
Healing is truly a journey, and I do not believe that you ever stop unravelling parts of yourself in a quest to retrieve your lost soul fragments, and neither should you feel like any less of a warrior because you are not emotionally dead inside.
Our deepest sensitivities are our super powers. They are what grant us the ability to produce the potent art that we do, to create the love stories that only we could know.
Edgar Allen Poe was severely depressed, he would also go down as one of the greatest, and most intricate poets in history..
It is no secret that Carl Jung explored so deeply the concept of the shadow self, and owning one’s darkness, so could it be that he too fell into the same fate that plagues so many great, and wondrous minds?
There is something to be said about creative talent, and psychological affliction, and this is not me in anyway whatsoever glorifying mental illness. Because to be afflicted with the spirits of self doubt, negative thoughts, and traumatic memories is absolutely no gift. But, it is what is within us, even beyond all of our pain and suffering that is a gift.
I cannot say for certain what came first, the illness, or the passion – but I can say that in a cruel twist of fate, so cliche of the divine nature of balance, the two are intrinsically linked. And we have to do what we have to do. We cannot say that we wish to shut our eyes, and no longer receive intuition, inspiration, or beauty, so how can we say that we will away the things that push us to create, to excel, to destroy, and to become?
Do not allow people to make you feel guilty for mourning. You may experience your best day today, and crash once again tomorrow, this does not mean that you are not healing – this simply means that you are collapsing into your self, learning more about yourself, and how to make peace with your psyche. It is the struggle up against yourself to listen to your demons, being ever so compassionate with them, asking them, ‘What is it that you want now?’
Happy healing my sacred beings ~
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