It is a funny thing – to have been alive for so long, yet not truly living.
I think of my previous relationship – how scary & suffocating it is that I almost lost myself in something that was so toxic & scary & detrimental for me. And the nightmares that I often have about still being back in that place.
It’s pretty painful & awkward; because sometimes when you are in a toxic relationship – whether energetically, emotionally, physically, or psychologically, you find yourself alone – without anybody to hold your hand, or help you to see the true detriment of your ways.
I find that when you are an ‘adult’ as such in a toxic relationship, especially if this relationship is non physically abusive, for the most part, everybody will just leave you to it.. And I do not know if I particularly blame them either.
Your friends & family will stick in a few words about how you may be acting differently, may have changed & how you probably are too good for this person, (whatever that means), but they will never understand the psychological implications behind it, the trauma bonding, the fact that it is not so much your conscious awareness that chooses to see you placed in this position, but rather your subconscious manifestations & projections of displacement..
Even when you break free from this type of entanglement – even when you try to soar & your feet literally lift up from the ground, you will still be clutched, & the tips of your toes will be tugged back downwards toward the ground, by the seemingly unbearable weight of sorrow, regret, loneliness, and guilt.
I call it – relationship based PTSD. Nobody ever fully knows how deeply you wound yourself into this relationship. Because they do not recognise how far your inner child’s PTSD stretches, or how far co-dependency wove itself to be an intrinsic part of your psyche.
So, you float on – you try to live your life again. Friends congratulate you about how much happier you are seeming these days, how much brighter your smile is, & whilst it is all true, it does not take away from the fact that you are still, several months later, shaken by the entire encounter – and still just trying to find your self. Claw yourself – from the rubble of the parts of you that are left, un/given to the dependent dynamics of the former relationship.
Who are you now? You find yourself asking. You are no longer the girl who relies on somebody else for everything, even company; so honestly, who are you now?
The beauty of this question is; this is your answer to decide. You are literally in the process of creation & can become anything that you would like to become. The you that would make your childhood you most proud.
You just have to plunge yourself into the darkness from time to time – to fully make sense of why this situation had to happen to you, because trust me, there IS a reason.
And you will find your flow at the moment, though you may be much the headless chicken now — you will find your know how, after slipping up & tripping & getting it wrong oh maybe a few hundred times!
Just take your time. Nobody has to understand it, but you.
Nobody else endured it, but you.
Seek Cindy 2016 ©
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