Perhaps this piece had been a long time coming, & I had wilfully buried it underneath the surface.
I don’t know. But I felt it was needed at this time, even though so many things were brewing underneath the surface, for quite a while.
Long before I picked up my first set of tarot cards, or ever held a crystal to my name, I had to deal with the sometimes concealed, sometimes very outspoken, blunt, hard, & disregardful comments that were passed down from people in my family, about how awful my lack of belief in ‘God’ was.
Now, this was problematic for a few different reasons, yet at the time I did not understand why I felt so outcast, so shameful, & so sinful.
Whenever an organisation or an entity seeks to do its bidding on earth, not only does it place seeds that ensure the growth of enslavement will be rampant for generations, but it also hands out mindframes & ideologies that ensure that the citizens of the earth will carry out its message & different modes of oppression, so that the entity or organisation in itself, does not have to do much work.
Just like any business man, it has recruited others to do the work for it.
I do not mean to offend anyone with my words. And it needs to be noted that I am a gnostic. I do not claim religious is bogus or has no truth. Neither am I in any way shape or form an atheist. The thing that many religious people & Christians especially find hard to understand, is that none of my reservations about the teachings come from a lack of belief in God.
I very, very much believe in God, and have dedicated my life to doing so.
I am an avid prayer who prays daily, if not momentarily with my meditative thoughts.
I fast, as I believe in the power of fasting, & not only do I study the bible & other religious texts, but I also quote it in order to teach my students even more about the nature of the divine.
However, I am not a slave.
I am not a slave to the idea that every single thing quoted in the context of the bible, taught my Sunday preachers, or passed down in religious mythology is the ultimate truth, should never be questioned, & can be held up in the court of law as indisputable.
I have never been able to live in this way. And it is perhaps the reason that after several schools/colleges, I finally realised that this entire thing was not for me.
And group thinking.
And this is not me trying to sound like some new age pseudo intellect. Like ‘oh, look at me. I am so cool. I abandoned religion, & replaced the word God with ‘universe’ & believe mental illness can be cured with positive quotes & loced hair’.
And oh yeah – by the way I’m not a prude who judges that type either, (she says half believing herself).
The point is, this isn’t about slating religion, or even believing it. This is about the way that religion, (the one thing supposed to be indicative of God’s love), is used as a hierarchy, & form of superiority to bash those who cannot or will not conform.
You are going to hell.
You’re a devil worshiper & a sinner.
And I’m better than you because I’ve interpreted sacred texts literally, & visit a building every week that strips of my autonomy.
Hey – I don’t knock church. If I found one that generally broke down bible concepts & did not have a west African pastor who was sleeping with multiple members of his congregation, I would probably totally join – (probably). Well, I don’t do routine, but I would at least turn up few times per month!
Some people prefer a medium to God.
That’s okay, and everybody’s different.
Which is the point I am trying to stress.
When I first began to become ‘conscious’ of the idea that there was more beyond the veil than we had been taught, I began rejecting traditional ideals about God & religion. Particularly because mixed with culture, it had its roots in being dangerously & devastatingly sexist, & my body & emotions were just coming into the realisation that most of the trauma that had been inflicted on me over the years was very much gender based, & rooted in concepts about female inferiority, & shaming.
So forgive me if I sounded a little ‘anti Christ’. But the reaction of my family members as I attempted to discover myself, was more than enough to have me creep into the shell I had crawled out of.
Luckily, I wasn’t about to be beat down that easily – & the divine had a plan for me.
I was berated, laughed at & mocked for being ‘ignorant’. It was all, ‘poor her – if only she knew’, with head shakes & the kind of pity that could make your rib cage lurch forward from your stomach, & crumble in a pit before you.
It was stomach turning. The fact that in my dedication to free myself from years of trauma & abuse, I was being further abused by being informed that my methods for salvation were wrong, & that it was because I didn’t have enough knowledge or sense that I began to think these things.
I was traded in, very casually & automatically for my other sisters, who decided to take the very conventional route of being dedicated to bible bashing, condemning anything remotely indigenous spiritually system seeming, & prided themselves on saying astrology, crystals & sage were down right evil.
Not of God.
And not for Godly women.
And then there’s me…
Who has made a very successful life of reading taro cards, & teaching people about spiritual based concepts very south of traditional religious concepts.
And damn proud of it too –
I mean the fight has not been easy. And anybody going through this same transition, I must stress that there’s no immediate need to tell your family members about your new discoveries, or how you feel about the old teachings.
You’re perfectly justified to keep it to yourself.. At least until you feel well versed enough to explain it.
I’ve had my alter mocked. Been accused of my buddhas housing evil spirits, (yes really), & been told the reason for my excessive thoughts was because I was dealing with too many ‘spirits’ in the taro industry. Yes really.
And yes, a lot of this has been hurtful because for the first time in my life I found something that gives me meaning, joy, & purpose, but it has also taught me that the spiritual journey is very much about you, & nobody else.
It’s very much personal to you as a person, & perhaps sometimes is not meant to be shared by a large congregation of people, or even those who you grew up with.
As a sexual assault survivor, one of the things that have helped me deal with my trauma immensely has been learning about chakra work, learning about sacred sexuality, & also about unblocking my creative power centres, (associated with sexual expression), in order to free myself of the psychological restrictions that sexual assault places upon you – very similar to that of religious indoctrination. And actually one of the punishments for women who would not succumb to what man wrote to be ‘God’s rule’, actually did used to be rape.
So it does sit down very uncomfortably with me when I have to have conversations with my cousin about how ‘evil’, & wrong ‘fornication’ is – in other words, enjoying sex outside of the confines of legally recognised, governmentally approved marriage:
Your sexual life is only sanctified if the government have it on record that you are declaring that you & somebody else are legally entitled to own one another.
And you may wonder, why am I writing this? I’ve been on this spiritual journey for years, surely all of these things cropped up before. And you would be right.
But as we delve further into the depths of what I can only consider to be true spirit & soul discovery, it becomes painfully excruciating to sit by & see these archaic myths be perpetuated.
Everybody is entitled to their own thoughts & feelings, AND beliefs, & I never come for religious folk.. But somehow their hierarchal ego always sees them coming for me – especially when I’m minding my own goddamn business lmao.
I love my family, deeply. And I won’t deny that our intuitive & perceptive gifts arrive by lineage, & religious devotion has not cut them off to prophetic dreams or unconventional methods of ‘knowing’, but I cannot deny that around them, I am a fraction of my truest self.
As I’ve grown more comfortable in both my spiritual & physical body, I have opened the door for not only them but others to see closer traces of who I fully am as this being, but the traces of oppression, & judgement that trail in the air with such intense religious devotion, is far too intoxicating not to inhale, furthermore exhale.