I couldn’t seem to shake the sense of the feeling that I had somehow been ‘saved’, and as much as it made me feel emotional with gratitude, it also made me feel very vulnerable, a little helpless, & somewhat pitiful. I don’t know. I guess what they don’t tell you about marriage in the 21st century is, as somewhat of a dying concept, you sort of feel a little cliche when doing it, ( as a woman that is), & it uncovers every single nostalgic archetype that you have about love, romance, & marriage. All of the depictions that you held as a child through television indoctrination. Most typically sitcoms or cartoons with the doting wife who seemed to be the level headed voice of the family – who cooked, & cleaned, & loved. And you admired her, for the ways that she always seemed poised and ‘done up, how everybody in the family would always look up to her – including yourself. You just never knew that this time would come all too soon.
Now personally, I do not see myself in anyway as a traditional housewife, (despite the many ways the feminist citizens of social media have referred to me as a ‘pick me).
The way I see myself is, I’m a little quirky, edgy, independent, wild & untamed. None of these descriptions strike me as relatively ‘wife material’, but in the short few months I have found out that I am about to become a wife, some shifts have seemed to take place almost instantaneously, automatically, & many of these have been very much instinctive – my priorities have shifted, & ive been welcomed lovingly into the bosom of my friends who have done this walk before me, sort of like an initiation school. They met me with happiness, congratulations, reassurance, & a sort of unspoken certification as if I have ‘made it’. Almost as if my value as a woman lied with this moment, which made me – unspeakably uncomfortable.
So in the end the question remained, could I still be just as quirky? Edgy? Independent? Wild and untamed? And what would this mean for my husband? That he had somehow failed in his masculinity in the eyes of society? Because he could not turn his bride into a subservient devotee with only him in mind?
Or could he?
I cannot deny that my priorities have shifted. As mentioned.
Ashamed to say, my career had to take a back seat these past few weeks because I was filled with gushing thoughts of being there for my husband to be – at every turn. This isn’t like every other time I have fallen in love. This is a kind of love that gives me a purpose, & everything in my bones & in my life screams that this is right. That this is for me. Yet I cannot shake the sinking feeling, that my entire world is about to change, because thats just the way that it has to be.
You become a wife, & you leave much of the old world behind.
You forfeit your last name (partially – I am opting to go double barrel), & you don a suit that many before you have adorned themselves with. It is a right of passage. A new stage of womanhood that sees you prepped & fussed over by the women who have gone in before you. There’s this sense that you are actually being given to someone, (sort of like a belonging), aside from the fact my father is actually GIVING me away, & accepting a traditional African dowry (bride price) for me – cringe on an entirely different level might I add.
But back to me theory of feeling as if I am being saved. One of the things that have stuck out to me the most within this short period of the new beginning of my life, is the vulnerability of women, & it makes me want to shed tears – many, uncontrollably. No matter how we wish to look at it within the feminine progression movement, many women are saved by men, many women are saved by marriage, as as many are destroyed by these very notions & concepts.
Many women in the modern & anti modern world do not have much of a fighting chance, talkless of the Ones from poor homes & abusive families/childhoods. The narrative of the knight in shining armour or the prince coming in & sweeping you off of your feet isn’t too far off, & my name being Cinderella seems all too much a cleverly constructed cliche.
Here comes this man into your life. Promising to give you a better world. For me, that was everything. My world was – bright, I guess. I am young. Beautiful. A successful career. With the whole world in front of me. Yet a part of me always felt empty. A long line of family trauma, & neighbourhood friends in traumatic, abusive relationships – some nights I stayed up wondering if this was it. If this was the colourless life we had all been damned to know. I clung to my career feverishly.
The reality for many of us modern women is, (even the ones who claim to choose this lifestyle), we will end up in a series of sex centric relationships, lacking the depth, vitality, authenticity, & substance that we both desire & deserve. We are living in such a hyper sexuality society that most so willingly agree to engage in frivolous sex, with values of love, marriage, respect & normality dying by the moment. HELL – utter hell for those of us who are highly empathic, emotive, & enamoured with fairytales.
In the search for love, so many of us betray ourselves & are betrayed by men, who see us as little more than a transactional scenario. You scratch my back if I scratch yours.
No matter how much we in the modernist movement like to discuss ‘free love’, & ‘sexual liberation’, the truth is – women are a little different from men, & for most of us? This type of lifestyle slowly destroys us from the inside out, leaving us feeling more & more unworthy as time proceeds.
Imagine coming from a loveless family, into the arms of a man ready & willing to love you, into the arms of his family, (who aren’t riddled with as much trauma, ready to start a family that you will love. It’s filled with such bittersweet love, & appreciation, & consideration, that it’s left me feeling so – emotional.
The good & the bad.
And that is where life has currently taken me.
On my journey to becoming a wife.