The sacrificial lamb; the patriarchy of currency in heterosexual relationships & do men need money in a relationship, to be happy?

 

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African-american man male counting dollar bills by hands.

In society, it’s often typical that the conversations that revolve around the balancing, act or the relationship between love & money, seem to fall inside of 2 dichotomous categories, (especially amongst women).

Either, there are those in question who specifically choose to maintain a romantic relationship which is inclined with financial security & they’re often dubbed as gold diggers, man haters, or those you are to avoid at all costs, or, there are those in question who specifically choose to dismiss the importance of financial stability, particularly when it comes to romance & are thought to actually be genuine & deserving of pursuits, as well as authentic expressions of love & togetherness.

But where is the line? And does somebody, namely, a man, absolutely NEED to have money in order for a relationship to function?

Well, the answer to this question, depends on just how well one would like for a relationship to function & also, what one is looking to get out of a relationship.

Now contrary to my gender, I’m actually not biased in this situation & in stating that yes, a man does indeed need to have money for a relationship to be functional, we first have to look at the significance of what money actually brings & what it represents, as opposed to just looking at the situation from the perspective of, ‘Yes. A man has to have a large amount of money, so that he can buy me a large amount of nice things’. Does that mean that that perception is wrong however? Well, I would think not – but that’s a story for another day.

So, money is nice, we all like it, we all need it & it helps all of us advance in society towards a certain level or realm of achievement. But that’s not all that it is. Everything that we see in this world & everything that we do not see in this world? Is made up of energy. We are made up of energy. And the way that we respond to the rest of the world & the way that the rest of the world responds to us? Is through this energy.

It’s like an invisible language that we use to communicate to the world around & it draws towards us specific experiences, based on the frequency & the vibration of our energy. When our energy is tapped into the openness that is abundance consciousness, we may find that even though we experience the same struggles in life as others, we still typically find resources & connections drawn towards us that help to support us or keep us sustained in our time of need. Not always, though usually, you will find that people suffering from droughts from long periods of time (of-course removing instances that involve economic crisis & taking socioeconomic factors into account), are also people who are energetically redundant. Mentally, this can manifest or exist as detachment from one’s reality, perhaps intense procrastination, depression & eventually defeat. Now, it’s also worth noticing that there are a string of other personality disorders & mental afflictions that can make one resistant to the idea of committing to any potential work or action that will cause money to flow.

And that’s just the thing. Money flows. Like energy, money is supposed to flow. Because money is the currency that we use to physically determine or explore how much energy we have & how much more energy we can buy, when you think about money as a spiritual, immaterial measure of how much of ourselves we can afford to give & how much freedom we can acquire for ourselves, we begin to see that the relationship between money & oneself, is actually of utmost significance. That being said, why does society appear to shame women who either search for, or create a requirement for a partner who is financially stable?

For me, it all comes down to control. The same patriarchal institutions they’ve attempted to shame, demean & keep women in place’ for centuries, through systems of institution, are the same people who make the rules to dehumanise women as ‘gold diggers’, when they simply choose to become more conscious & pay more attention, to what their partner’s pockets, say about their partner.

Though contrary to typical patriarchy, it doesn’t appear to be the one’s who have the power who are calling the shots in this instance. Rather, the men who you’ll find berating women for their choice to be with men who are financially stable, is the men who actually do not have the ‘power’ aka the money.

You’ll typically find these men suffering or battling with what I like to call ‘baby boy syndrome’ & yes this differs from somebody who suffers from a mental health disorder, but is usually somebody who has been pampered & given so much room for error in their earlier years, (usually by their mother), that they believe that they can begin to coast through life on excuses, missed opportunities, financially dependency & a ‘good woman’, who’s just too ‘good’ to call him out on his lack of energetic exchange, balance & harmony.

In the end, it becomes NOT just about the fact that a woman will not be able to be taken to nice places regularly or won’t be able to be gifted luxuries left right & centre, what it really comes down to, is the fact that this woman, will likely be drained of her own energetic resources, life force, to energy, happiness & boundaries.

A person, any person, without money, must become dependent upon another. And when we are speaking of men specifically, there’s a particular blow to the ego & the self esteem of a man who’s not feeling accomplished, motivated & ambitious in his life, to the point of seeing results, as these are all central themes that play on the esteem & worth of a man, not only in society, but also in his own eyes.

There’s a certain helplessness born through depression that’ll usually see such an individual sinking even deeper & deeper into the pits of their own self pity & once again this does not refer to individuals who have been ‘laid off’, or who go through a few months at a time of financial uncertainty (even though they aren’t void of these symptoms), but refers more to a prolonged period of depravity & poverty consciousness, caused by an inability that he has to commit to, dedicate to & produce worthy results, whether through self employment, or trying to navigate & climb the corporate ladder.

Yes, this also relates to somebody who keeps switching from job to job within a short period of time & finds that in-between these jobs, they rely heavily on their partner, or another woman in their family who is also willing to offer ‘unconditional love’ aka a lack of boundaries.

And that’s the important distinction to make here. Because there is a lack of energy in the form of resources for these persons to leverage, what they usually begin to turn to, is something inane in all of us – they begin to leverage emotion & this is where the second ‘stereotype’ of people (particularly women), as it relates to love & money, becomes born.

The energy of emotion is something that is an endless resource to tap in to. We’re human. We have emotions. And these men recognise this, especially as women are very much socialised into paying out people with emotions & emotional labour, instead of getting paid or rewarded for their achievements with money or career accolades, they begin to become paid, through emotional labour. They must then become pretty skilled & adapt at navigating the emotional realms of others, usually using emotional blackmail, gaslighting & manipulation, either to receive money from their partner (who becomes a substitute parent to the child unable to parent themselves), or, to receive consistent emotional support (enabling) & lack of boundary enforcement, so that they can continue to remain complacent in their energetic redundancy, without the backlash of their partner one day blurting out the blurred out truth, ‘You need to take responsibility’.

And so yes, to answer the initial question, is it important for a man to have money in a relationship, the answer is yes. It is not only important, but it is CENTRAL to the well being & the mental health, of both.

It’s not simply about a woman being concerned about the inside of a man’s pockets that is at the root of a woman turning away from a man who is financially unstable. But it is more so about the consciousness & the energy that a man takes on, when he becomes financially void. These types of men are known to become more abusive, particularly psychologically, as they tend to find a way to exert their power in a way that is less overt & more underhand (as on the surface they become aware of a lack of power). All types of ideologies about respect, whether they’re worthy of it, whether they’re receiving it, from their partner begin to come into play & not before long, it can turn into the mind of a war zone, jealousy, suspicion, projection, lack of self esteem & eventually resentment towards their partner, both for having more power, self control & independence than him & secondly for being the only good thing in his life, who exists with the constant threat of also waking up one day, leaving & realising that they deserve better, being lost to another man (who they’ve already dreamt up a thousand times as so much better than themselves), culminating in them receiving the affirmation to the dreaded theory they’ve been pondering for so very long – that they truly do, have no value.

It’s actually not a woman who first projects the ideal onto a financially unstable man that he has no value. It is first, himself. The moment that he gives up & loses the energy & the will to commit to a goal or strategy, is the moment that he condemns himself. Because of this energy of devaluation, many men who are in this position do find themselves abusing the power that they have left & taking out their insecurities & need for validation & control, out on their partner.

These types of men can be known to get very nasty & demeaning, as to not dare allow their partner the opportunity to ever think they are better than them, usually leading to put downs & the ongoing attack on the self esteem of that woman. Often times, they may revert to financial abuse, attempting to control what the woman does with her money, what she does with her time & even resorting to stealing from her, or lying to her to extract larger & larger amounts of money out of her. Lastly, financial instability is a huge breeding ground for infidelity, as men who feel emasculated in the home, will often find themselves excused to go outside of the home & find a temporary lover to stroke their ego in the meantime, especially if they can detach & lie to this lover about who they truly are, if only for a moment.

There is also the fact of the matter that for a functional heterosexual relationship to work, the man does have to feel as if he is respected by his woman in some way or another. This is just a facet of how men’s ego works. And it becomes very difficult, increasingly difficult, for a woman to fain respect for a man, who doesn’t act like a man at all, but who rather pouts, throws tantrums, throws his toys out of their buggy & does everything but get control of his life, his thoughts & himself enough, to strike a change in his behaviours.

For this reason, many of the women who choose to remain stuck to these situations, or who are manipulated through emotion into staying in these toxic situations (‘Why does money matter? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t care’), often have to suppress their own needs, desires, or true feelings in order to be able to maintain the relationship. They too, slowly lose themselves, in a bid to acclaim their ride or die status.

But where does it lead?

Where does it take them?

When children or other long term commitments are thrown into the mix, these women often grow more resentful over time & can suffer prolonged periods of hardship & internalised rage, both towards themselves & their partners.

In no way am I suggesting that people, or men for that matter do not deserve love or support when going through a hard time, however any time that love or support begins to cross boundaries & cross over into abusive territory, which is almost inevitable, then it becomes less about ‘love’ & more about pain.

A man who is caught in an energetic rut, needs more than selfless love from his woman. For the most part, he needs to regain his own confidence, reclaim his self esteem & lastly trace the psychological & generational steps that got him into that position. Enabling him, is actually only furthering his suffering. A passive enabler causes everyone pain, but especially, the children!

Whatever conditions are agreed upon between two lovers, must be something that works for them. There are women who are content with building together & working with a man from the ground up, however that too differs from this situation, as for that to take place, the man has to be willing & committed at least to taking action, regardless of how many times he falls & have far more than JUST potential. Many women lose & waste years of their life on potential & potential alone. The potentiality that things will suddenly turn around, especially when backed by empty, recurring promises. A lot of the men caught in these ruts, are actually very talented individuals, with a mirage of skills, typically also making it more difficult for the woman to turn away the idea of fulfilled potential, somewhere along the line.

Once again, there is a difference between a man who is in a low income job, or perhaps earns less than his woman. If the two of them support & practice energetic exchanges & balance in other ways, then there’s nothing wrong with somebody choosing this route, with full knowledge ahead of them of what to expect. However, when someone enters into a partnership rightfully expecting full participation & balance & is met with empty promises, empty pockets & manipulation, there’s no way for that foundation to be built or maintained on a steady ground.

Not all women want the flashy life or expect men to be 100% providers & men who do not have grand ambitions for world domination or currency domination, can still find healthy & fulfilling relationships. However, they just need to know who to go for & not shame other women for their financial preferences.

There are women who prefer the finer things in life & either want to partner with a man who gives them this, or somebody who they can build & nurture this with. That too, is fine & entirely within their prerogative. And I do not believe they should be thwarted & manipulated with claims that they do not want or value true love, or the partner that they choose, should they recognise that they do require this to feel safe.

Typically, men also do tend to grow or blossom out of the idea that women who prefer financial security are, are to be avoided at all costs. Most of the time, when men are in a financially void position, they treat their woman with less value, because even subconsciously, they understand that she is accepting less than she deserves, consequently not valuing her own self, so therefore he also values her less.

Men, like all competitive creatures, appreciate more the value of something that they had to work hard to get, or have to invest in, sacrifice for in some way. Usually, after struggling with a woman for several years who fell for them when they had nothing, the next woman that a man marries, whilst he is successful, is usually a woman who does care & does count on him to financially provide & her knowing of her value, also causes for him to value her.

There is a reason that in numerology the number 8 represents both financial abundance & success & also the breaking of karma, karmic, generational & familial chains.

We all have different ideologies & needs in a relationship & financial abuse is an abuse less discussed within communities, because of this dichotomy that exists.

Does this mean that every man who finds himself in this position is damned to a life of depravity & never managing to change his luck? Not necessarily. Perhaps when the truth hits the fan & the enablers step aside, his world can envision & a cloudless & more clear perspective, enabling him to turn his fortune around. But nobody, no man nor woman, should be caught in the cross fire of that before or if it takes place at all.

And to the avenged men who did manage to break through, years later, there still stands the notion of forgiveness & healing. The bitter, self righteous perspective that can feed into him proclaiming, ‘I’ll make her regret ever leaving me’, also needs to be released, in order to enter any new partnership, with a clear channel.

-Cindy Anneh-bu