Forgive yourself once more; How making a mistake does not automatically signify regression.

I have found that on the journey of healing, and self progression, a lot of us tend to be very hard on ourselves, and the choices that we make.

We often become so one dimensional in our desperate attempts to not repeat the same actions of the past, and to instantly view immediate results of our new found awareness, that we fail to be compassionate toward ourselves, and remember that we are still on a journey. We want to be better than we were before, we want to ensure that we do not allow ourselves to slip beneath our own radars, so we become self dictators in a sense, offering strict regimes to what is, and what is not, allowed.

We have to remember that the ultimate factor in the journey of healing is self compassion, self understanding, and self love. Where does self love fit in whilst you are constantly berating yourself for not doing something as perfectly as the ‘new you’, should do? The old you is not completely dead yet, do not forget that, so it is normal, expected even for you to experience low moments, moments where you may still be acting out of ego, unresolved pain, or wounds of the past.

What you absolutely must remember also, is that all of the actions associated with your lower self, that you are so desperate to get rid of, are actually all still coming from a place of unhealed pain, the scared, yet sacred inner child within you, who has already had their fair share of trauma, and blame, and does not need any more from you.

So, you may not be as perfect as the self declared righteous spiritual gurus on the internet. Who cares? Even they are not as righteous, and holier than thou as they appear to be.

I myself, have conjured quite the image of being the spiritual spokesperson, and I want to admit that, regardless of this, I do still battle my way through complex trauma flare ups, and I do still become increasingly overwhelmed in some public settings. The truth of the matter is, there is no quick fix.

And I try to offer this compassionate hand during my readings, yes, I say, ‘you do need to work on self love, and you do need to face issues of conflict from the past’, and this will be painful, and this will take some time, and no, this is not going to magically happen when you click your fingers.

The entire process of healing is a journey, and not a destination, so please do not be put off if you think that you are regressing, of if you still exhibit behaviours associated with a perceived lesser version of yourself.

Let us be honest, life gets tough, INCREDIBLY tough. Let us be honest, life gets painful, INCREDIBLY painful. This is something that most self help gurus will not tell you, for fear of losing potential clientèle. If they paint life as consistently hippy dippy, and eerily dreamy, you will want to purchase whatever anecdote that they are claiming offers this sort of lucid state.

But this is wrong. This is not what healing is about. Yes, there is going to be what you may consider, ‘regression’, for a large part of the journey, this is because nobody is  perfect, and these behaviours, and these wounds were not formed over night, so why on earth would they be banished over night?

We live in a hyper critical, and judgemental society, and social media does not exactly serve to make it any better. It is so easy to fall into a trap of comparing yourself to other’s, their lives, and their experiences, but one must remember, that everybody’s life consists of timelines – -timelines of ups, timelines of downs, and step, by step movement.

If your life has remained seemingly the same for years on end, then this is an issue that you need to identify with, within yourself. Because life does get down sometimes, ofcourse it does, and this is apart of the ebb, and flow, but life also gets up, and your life should be somewhat a mediumship, of these two states of existence.

Just because you witness somebody on social media who appears to have the exact life that you would desire, does not mean that this person has not been hit with their own set of downs in life, or that they will never meet a period of disappointment at another interval in their life.

It is not about how many times you fall, it is not about how difficult life gets, it is all about the ways in which you adjust to these difficulties that life presents.

If you suffer from a complex form of trauma, persistent depression, anxiety, or post traumatic stress disorder, then please be more than patient with yourself. Do not hold yourself up in accordance to society’s standards, and themes, most of society, is not suffering outwardly with these conditions, so of-course their achievements, abilities, and experiences will be vastly different from  your own.

Progress is a very intimate, and subjective experience.

 

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© 2016

All works published on this site are under strict ownership of the owner, and any re-destribution is strictly prohibited without permission, and necessary credits.

 

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The dark side of spirituality..

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Alot of meta-physicians, and energy workers tend to focus on ‘the light’, and ‘positivity’ within their brand of teaching, and often stray away from the topics that constitute to one needing to fathom light, and positivity.

In one particular brand of shamanism, a person cannot become an initiate until they have graduated from a certain level/depth of suffering.
In other spiritual philosophies, we call this, ‘the dark night of the soul’.

This is an intense period right before the break through of spiritual elevation and evolution, and can last any time in-between a few days, a few months, and a few years.
It all depends on the ability of the initiate to travel deeply into their own unconscious darkness, and retrieve the lost fragments of their soul.
In other words, to heal, to understand, and the revive an anecdote for healing, to be shared with the rest of the community.

I believe that i endured this same period when I was going through what i would call the most intense moments of my depression.
What felt like depression, and was actually described as such by Western medics, was in my now opinion, the offset of a triggering.
A spiritual triggering, that could no longer cope with my blatant disregard of my spiritual abilities.

I had also absorbed much of the energy of my community, family, and society, which was associated with stagnant, pollutant, and toxic energies.
All of this boiling to the brink inside of me caused something similar to a psychological break down.
I did not feel at home in my own body, for i was not.
I had company.
I was being invaded.

Some people may refer to this as dark spirits/dark energy.
And one night in-fact, when my cousin who is a regular attendant of the Christian church came to check how i was doing, she actually brought a ministry along with her, who did declare that i was suffering from some sort of ‘possession’.
Though not the type that you see perhaps on ‘The Amityville horror’, or, ‘The conjuring’..

 

 

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© 2016

All works published on this site are under strict ownership of the owner, and any re-destribution is strictly prohibited without permission, and necessary credits.

Childhood – Emotional/psychological abuse, and the effects that it leaves.

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Alot of people find emotional abuse, and psychological abuse, difficult to digest, or hard to diagnose. This is because, unlike physical abuse, there is no outward manifestation, or symptoms that can be directly traced back to a cause.

Because of this, sadly, so many children go from school to home, from home, to school, keeping within them the burdensome secret, of the double life, and the trauma that they must regularly endure.

This type  of abuse is so subtle, and insidious, that it is possible that even the child in question, does not realise that they are being abused, or harmed. They may simply perceive that they have a strict, parent, or parents, and therefore internalise the abuse to be a result of something that they are doing, and that they have done.

The internalisation of this blame is incredibly dangerous, because it can off-set a cycle of the child learning to blame themselves for abuse, (that is usually perpetuated later in life), and also to constantly try to modify their behaviours, and their impulses in order not to receive any further abuse.

‘One study has suggested that victims of childhood physical abuse have a 40% chance of being diagnosed with major depressive disorder at some stage in their life and a 30% chance of being diagnosed with a disruptive behaviour disorder’.

Have you ever graced the presence of somebody who almost shrinks into themselves. Who holds a posture, a position, and a meek voice, that screams of self consciousness, and hyper vigilance. Well, this was me. And this is also the individual who is very careful, about their movements, and about their words, because they have been taught that to put a wrong foot out of place, or to cause yourself to become ‘too noticed’, ‘too enlarged’, offers them the risk of being re-abused.

This individual may go through their entire life feeling as if they have to walk in the shadows, or manipulate their behaviours in order to appear as less of a threat.

In my observation, i have witnessed there to be two separate manifestations of somebody who suffers from emotional/psychological abuse, or some type of abandonment/neglect/rejection, earlier on in childhood.

Despite what new-ageism, and alternative lifestyles preach, every child does need to be grow, and be nurtured under the guidance of a strong, secure, consistent, and stable/balanced house hold. It is very important for children to have access to a blend of both masculine, and feminine energies, as the feminine energy, (typically, but not always the mother), enriches them with love, comfort, and forgiveness, whilst the masculine energy, (typically, but not always the father), instils order, protection, safety, and strength within them.

This does not have to exist as a part of a nuclear family dynamic, with one, mother and one father, if this type of set up is inaccessible, for a variety of reasons. This could be alternated, with the presence of extended family members, or even care givers, standing in to fulfil these roles.

In Africa, there is a congregation of an extended family, wherein aunties, uncles, parents, and grandparents are likely to share one compound, and raise children as a community, within a tight, supported, and watchful network.

This by far, has to be one of my favourite methods of up-bringing. Although this can not be so easily maintained as a part of western living, ideally, it is a beautiful practice, regardless. It also goes to show that the development of each individual is not only reflective of their community, but also reflective of their level of involvement within the individual’s life.

Can we blame ‘bad’ people, for being ‘bad’ people?

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There is an association between childhood abuse and the risk of suicidal behaviour. One study found that a history of physical abuse increases the odds of attempting suicide by almost 5 times, while a history of emotional abuse may increase the odds of a suicide attempt by more than 12 times

And if so, must we not condemn their entire community, and the parents whom raised them?

I believe in redemption, to a certain extent. After all, many of the most viscous, unpleasant, and sociopathic people that i have met throughout the course of my life, have all appeared to have suffered some sort of core wounding in childhood. A wound that only seemed to grow overtime, and manifest as their shadow self, blocking them from their own light.

It is the subconscious, and the unconscious that rules their actions, their lack of empathy, that also remains buried below the consciousness. Empathy opens the door way for emotional openness, and vulnerability. It is likely that many of these people have had to intensely suppress, and deny their empathy, in order to cope with their level of trauma, or abuse more effectively.

Let’s say, for instance, there is a young man who is regularly physically, and verbally abused by his father over a recurring period of time. Even if this young man is initially highly sensitive, and possesses an innocent, and a naive approach to life, sooner or later, in order to protect himself, his subconscious mind will ask him to numb himself. Numb himself to the insults that he receives, and numb himself from the expectancy of consistent love, empathy, or remorse from his father.

Thus, he begins to operate in a fashion that is void of emotional expression. This is a survival technique. This would only be further emphasised, if the young man’s father also insisted that the boy expressing any grief over his treatment, may be acting in a way that is out of accordance with what it means to be a man – therefore, what it means to be acceptable.

Similarly, a young woman who is subject to an emotionally distant, cold, or unavailable father, may find herself feeling isolated, and ‘faulty’, from this lack of male approval, and attention, and may therefore grow to become overly dependent, and reliant upon male attention, an attempt by her subconscious mind to make peace with her earlier experiences. As a result of this, she is likely to find herself in a string of failed relationships, laced with co-dependency, and men who sense her desperation, and happily exploit its position.

Symptoms of somebody who has been affected by childhood abuse in adulthood.

  • Extremely withdrawn, appearing overly shy, introverted, or distracted, engaging in careless day dream.
  • An inability to concentrate for long periods of time, poor memory and directive skills, (this is because parts of the brain literally shrink, failed to develop coherently, and experience severe confusion).
  • ADHD – or a similar manifest behavioural affliction that causes one to outwardly seek attention, and recognition – even if this is negative attention.
  • Overly aggressive – failing to access rationalisation, or impulse control.
  • Difficulty with closeness, intimacy, perhaps pertaining to sexual intimacy, (erotophobia) or a string of promiscuous/unfaithful relations.
  • Compulsive lying, multi personality disorder, a desire for one to seem more flamboyant, and achieved than they truly are, (in order to compensate for intense feelings of inferiority).
  • Hypersensitivity to criticism (either because of a lack of belief in self already existing, or manifesting from a place of requiring consistent praise, to appease the false ego),
  • An inability to allow others enough access into ones internal world, reluctance to open up to others emotionally, desire to separate from emotionally demanding situations, lack of commitment to anything that requires lengthy work.

 

 

I highly recommend that anybody who recognises these traits within themselves, or identifies with my article in some way, seek some sort of professional advice, and help as soon as possible. If you are unsure about what methods are available to you, then i would be happy to assist you with that.

To discuss any empath topics with me during a one on one reading, email me via cindyanneh-bu@hotmail.co.uk to enquire about my prices and services.

 

Reading list.

General life style advice, including love/empath advice – $65/£50

  © Seek Cindy 2016

All works published on this site are under strict ownership of the owner, and any re-distribution is strictly prohibited without permission, and necessary credits.
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An insight, into mental illness – depression, and anxiety.

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One of the things that really struck out to me at the height of my struggle with mental illness, was the perceptions of those around me. It is not bad enough to have these confusing, and alienating swarms of self doubt, and self dissatisfaction in your mind, but to grant matters worse, mostly everybody who you open up to about the situation that you face, will likely have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

If you are indeed lucky, and you decide to turn to somebody who has even an ounce of compassion within them, they may offer you the standard comments of feigned compassion, ‘everything will be alright’, ‘you just have to think more positively’, or..(and this one has to be my favourite), ‘all you have to do is pray’.

Whilst all of these gestures truly meant well, they were all missing out on one vital aspect of my mental illness. What i was feeling, was entirely out of my control. This is the part of mental illness that many cannot seem to wrap their head around. And truly, i do not know if i can blame them for that anymore. What is categorised as mental illness is actually the collection of your own belief systems, thoughts, experiences, and energetic imprints, malfunctioning, because they are all together damaging! One can not truly expect somebody who hasn’t lived the same life as them, or even a similar life, to walk inside of their shoes in this way, and to understand the things that haunt them, or the ways in which they are haunted.

This is what separates mental illness so from physical illness. Physical illness has physical manifestations. Everybody will believe you are sick because they can physically see, that indeed you are sick. Your skin may appear frail, you may exhibit symptoms of being unwell, such as excessive coughing, fatigue, or outbreaks of skin disorders.

But what about mental illness?

Doesn’t that too carry physical manifestation?

Well, actually..Yes it does. Because our internal system is in such direct accordance with our external systems, (as above, so below), the thoughts and feelings that we conjure whilst we are suffering from depression, anxiety, or let’s say ptsd, we do actually begin to exhibit notable bodily changes during our suffering.

The biggest physical manifestation for me during this period, was weight gain. But this actually differs from sufferer, to sufferer, with some instead dropping an alarming amount of weight within a short space of time.

Typical with many empaths, is our desire to shield ourselves from the ‘psychic attack’, the external energies that attach themselves to us, and the feelings that they stir within us. You will find that many empaths are actually overweight or struggle with food issues, because food is one of the defensive shields that are used to allow us to feel grounded, and one could even argue that the layer of fat that surrounds us when we are overweight, serves as a protective barrier, (psychologically), from that which threatens to destabilise us. I feel as if these protective measures are only magnified if the empath exists in a space that is absolutely polluted with vampiric energy, and negative life force – which is typically alot of the time.

Ranging inbetween insomnia and fatigue.

During the most intense periods of my mental illness, i would fluctuate between being completely unable to get any sleep, to being so devastatingly tired, that all i could do was draw my curtains and sleep for hours, and hours on end. Sleep was yet another tool that i used for escapism. Whilst i was asleep, i could escape to dream land, and i did not have to deal with, or face any of the ugly things that the waking world had to offer me – including myself. The nights that i was held captive to insomnia, were simply a result of my inability to shut off my mind, and the intense desire that i had to overthink every single detail, and event of my life up until that exact point.

I may not have been aware that i was so sinking into the depths of something that would refuse to let me go, even years later, but i definitely knew that something was not right within, but whilst i did not know what, i would set myself up on a mission every night, to scrutinise, and analyse, why my life was so? Typically, i would be pretty hard on myself when i did this. Or rather, the depression, would be so hard on me. Somehow, my mind would always manage to pinpoint all of the worst things that i had experienced, and chose the night time, possibly the loneliest, and the most quiet time, to go over it all, to assess it to fine minute detail, and to mock myself for being ever so silly, so gullible, and so unlovable. Such was the narrative of my evenings.

Poor skin hue.

It may seem like new age, or vegan propaganda, but it is true that along with the foods that you consume, and the thoughts that exist within your mind about yourself, have significant impact on the way that you look, the way that your skin appears, how brightly your smile shines, and the condition of your eyes, as well as your nails, hair, and teeth. Somebody who is suffering from depression, ptsd, or anxiety so severely, will surely look unwell. It may not be so apparent to somebody who sees them regularly, or even everyday, but the deterioration of their appearance surely follows, once they have become engulfed by this invisible monster. And ofcourse! It is hardly a surprise. Who wouldn’t begin to look a little off colour if they were suddenly plagued by a host of negative entities intended to destroy them?

Bad thoughts, about yourself, your experiences, and the beliefs that exist as a result of this, are more than enough to cause you to look inside of the mirror one day, and almost not recognise who you are.

Procrastination and lethargy.

Stagnancy, is perhaps amongst the most insidious, and harrowing effects of living with a mental illness. Without the belief in yourself, or the motivation to make a change, it is very likely that your situation will prolong itself, once again – this is not in your control, so your ability to pull yourself out of this funk, becomes seriously limited, and restricted. This is what separates mental illness from simply experiencing a period of stress, or finding yourself overcome with life’s usual ups and downs. In the case of mental illness, you have no energy or desire within you whatsoever to do the necessary work, that may supposedly cure you of your ailments.

Taking walks, getting out there, going to the gym, eating better, seeing friends again – these were all concepts completely alien to me whilst i didn’t even feel like seeing myself. Depression makes you lonely. Extremely lonely. I mean the kind of loneliness that grips at your heart, and threatens to shatter it into pieces. In a world of 7 billion, depression will convince you that nobody is there for you, and that even when you reach out to them, your efforts will all be in vain. Depression will tell you that nobody cares about you. Over, and over again. Anxiety on the other hand, (which it is usually coupled with), will tell you that i if you were to reach out to somebody, they would sense the depth of your depression, and not want much to do with you anyway. Anxiety will tell you that if you tried all of these things, the getting out there, the meeting up with friends, and the going out, that you would only have your worst fears confirmed, and will be judged, scrutinised, and abandoned – inevitably reaffirming your depressive beliefs, and sending you right back to square one.

Two devils – on both shoulders.

 

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So then why is it, even with all of these physical symptoms of mental illness, people still refuse to acknowledge that you are indeed, mentally ill?

Well, that all depends on who you are, and who you are telling. There has existed a long standing stigma with mental health, that it is simply all in the mind, (which it truly is), and can be wished away simply by conquering the mind, and pushing through with a passion anyway.

This was one of the initial problems that i had with spirituality – well, the hippy dippy version of it anyway! The version that said that all you had to do was simply think positively, and all of your troubles would be washed away. Well, you see, that does not work so very well with mental illness. Mental illness is actually a chemical imbalance, caused by the structure of the brain, typically affected, and altered to become over stimulated, and triggered by stress – a negative by-product of childhood trauma.

So simply, ‘positive thinking’, or ‘prayer’, as religious advocates suggested, was not going to be enough. In order to understand mental illness, and effectively fight against it, you must get to the core of it. This is why i became a healer. I am not interested in the fact that things merely exist, i am interested in WHY they exist, how they exist, and in eradicating them, i understand that you must first unfold the secrets to how they came to be.

Healing, is a continuous process. A continual re-wiring of the brain, and ever deepening layers of self realisation. The things that cause your depression, were actually imprinted upon you. They are not yours to keep. But only should you know this, should you begin to work through this.

It is very important to recognise the symptoms of mental illness, because if you are anything like me, and you come from a culture, and an ethnicity that pride themselves on two things – strength through the suppression of emotion, and a stern belief in religious salvation in the face of all turmoil, then you will likely be told many times throughout your struggle, that you are not actually suffering at all, that you must buck up your ideas, and find a way to cope.

This is ludicrous, and a disastrously damaging belief system to perpetuate! Mental illness is real. Whether you do accept that it is through spiritual possession or not – the effects of it, are as real as night and day, and it is important for all ethnicities, backgrounds, and  communities, religious, or otherwise, to come to accept this. This is the first step, in healing.

I chose spirituality, because it gave me the option to stand up for myself, to seek within myself, for my answers, for my troubles, for my turmoil, and not seek outside of myself, not to ask God for help that would supposedly fall into my lap one evening and right all of my chemical inconsistencies. No, spirituality made me understand that this ‘God’ that i sought, was only to be found within myself, once i had freed myself of everything that was not ‘of God’. This was the same all knowing God that had entrusted that if i were to be infected with all of these external damning energies, that i too had the power to expel them, and in doing so, bring back the anecdote to expel them in others, as i find myself doing now..

 

Side note – “People will always do their Very best to invalidate your pain, it is how they get by ignoring their own. Pretending that it does not exist, pretending that every painful occurrence is casual, and non offending, and non penetrating. This is how they get by. This is how they get through life, choosing apathy to hide the wounds that they do not wish to deal with. So they will stare you right in the eyes and tell you that you too are not in pain, that you are merely exaggerating or feeling sorry for yourself. And this is largely because you acknowledging your own wounds takes them to a place within themselves where they have refused to acknowledge their own. Do not fall victim to their delusions or illusions. There is great strength in acknowledging that you have been wounded, it is a skill of the searching, analytical mind to pin point wounds and exact moments that they have occurred. Only then can we begin fixing, and re-arranging, and even healing. What a bold person, to accept, that they are so far from perfect.” “It is absolutely vital that sufferers of depression and post traumatic stress disorder feel validated in their suffering. Often, people attempt to minimise, downplay or outright ignore emotional pain as it does not leave physical scars, and is far more difficult to prove to those who just aren’t willing to grant others the sweet release of acknowledgement. This is particularly a tactic used by abusers to keep themselves safe from being identified as the abuser, whilst continuously abusing the ‘victim’ by denying them any right to feel pain or hurt about their misfortune. This also denies them the ability to begin appropriately healing, or identifying that the destructive behaviours and self inflicted injuries that follow their abuse, are not at all their fault..the very real danger here, is that as a result of such prolonged psychological, emotional, or physical abuse, the victim already doubts themselves and experiences internal conflict in the form of self doubt and confusion, this means that by being told that they are simply being, ‘silly’, or ‘over sensitive’, in their concerns, they are very likely to once again doubt themselves, wondering if at all they are being abused, or if in some way, they are deserving of this abuse..” – Cindy Anneh-bu.

 

 

To discuss mental health with me, or book one of my advice, reading services in order to find out what your blockages are, or dream interpretations to uncover the hidden guidance behind your dream symbolism, email me to place a booking. Please note, that i am not a doctor, and do not claim to stand in substitution for professional guidance. I will always advice my clients to find a suitable balance between seeking both professional/medical advice, and holistic therapies. Please always consult a medical professional about the best options available to your for treatment, and never feel obliged to go through with any method that feels uncomfortable to you. There are always people to speak with, either myself, or your closed loved ones about options that are available to assist you in your recovery. Above all, please know that you are always worth this help, and this healing. And if i could make it out of my worst, suicidal days, then so can you! Just look at me now..

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Cindy Anneh-bu

© Seek Cindy 2016
All works published on this site are under strict ownership of the owner, and any re-distribution is strictly prohibited without permission, and necessary credits.
Twitter – @spiritualpoet_

Instagram – @spiritualpoetess_

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E – cindyanneh-bu@hotmail.co.uk

 

‘How does an empath, empath?’

  

 

How/why does an empath, ’empath?’

So at some point in their childhood, or throughout, they endured a traumatic experience, or set of experiences.. In order to cope, and soothe themselves, every time that they became presented w/ these uncomfortable or neglectful experiences, they began to tap into a higher reality/ (Dimension), some may call it day dreaming, regardless, they detached in this way, and subsequently gained access to another space.. This ‘space’ introduced them to a new world entirely, one where channeling, and astral travel became a necessity for emotional survival. If they had carers who were abusive in a passive aggressive sense, they soon developed intense instincts, so that they could sense when/where the next ‘ attack’/ emotional disequilibrium would come from.. They lived a life virtually on hyper alert. 

If their throat chakra became blocked in the process, then they would behave very similarly to those who ‘suffer’ from autism, operating on a purely mental level, with little to no, desire to communicate verbally. So instead, they write, they draw, they paint, they art… The end. – Cinderella Anneh-bu
P.s, if you are autistic, my interpretation is that you are a wonderfully magical, enchanting, and Intuned being, and I love you so much ✨💖 

YES, I have a book all about empaths coming out soon, just for you all… 
© 2015
All works published on this site are under strict ownership of the owner, and any re-destribution is strictly prohibited without permission, and necessary credits.